ManWeight

OuiWeight

During Jasmine’s junior year abroad in Paris she’d become quite fond of a young man in her class who we’ll call Ouiweight. She was out one late night with the girls. It was one of those nights, well, that she barely remembers. Jasmine was supposed to meet Ouiweight after she “finished this one last drink with [her] girls.” Next thing she knew it was 2 hours after she should have been, by this point, enjoying a wee bit of Ouiweight. Miraculously, she found a cab and off she went…she went so off that she missed his building by two blocks. As Jasmine stumbled down hill, she saw Ouiweight waiting and wasn’t werey wappy. A wise weight, he advised Jasmine to “just go to sleep” and so she did. Shoes and all. In the morning, the sun woke her up. The morning after monologue (a common trend among most girls who do a bit of boozing and feel the need to string together the multitude “incidents” that may or may not have occurred the night before). IN HER HEAD: “Jesus I sweat a lot last night. My pants are totally soaked. Wait, if I have my pants on that probably means I didn’t have sex last night. Oh yeah…is he mad? Well, I guess I will have sex now and make it up to him.” Jasmine peeled off her pants and climbed on top of Ouiweight. As he woke up to the rocking of his boat, he began to feel the moisture of the ocean. He was actually feeling the bed around their loveboat. “Did you pee the bed?!” The pants, the sweat, shit, it wasn’t sweat at all! It was pee! Realizing she’d peed, Jasmine debarked. It was then she realized not only had she had sex with him a top her pee, but she had been surfing the crimson tied. Blood was not only on the pissed on sheets, but all over Ouiweight. To try and recompose herself, Jamsine, perched on the edge of the wet foam (yes, foam) mattress and lit a cigarette. Two pulls and one wave of nausea, rushed 16 drinks up from her stomach. Puke. Everywhere. That was it. Jasmine apologized, for the third time, gathered the gross sheets with promises of bleach and a good ironing and off she went…wee wee wee wee all the way home.